Fifteen...

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine

And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried

'cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
Ive found that time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

 

--Taylor Swift

I remember when I was fifteen. It was only five years ago, so I suppose I should remember. That was the year that had the most impact on the person I am still becoming. 

I say still becoming because we never really become someone. We change with age, grow wiser, more mature, more knowledgeable, and with all of that also comes change. A change in our own persona, in how the world views us as a person. Through most of our lives we search to do something substantial, something to stand out. In school it being popular, or being smart, or being homecoming and prom royalty, sometimes it's even just being ourselves. As we grow up, we look to be remember by our career or our influence on the community or by our family. Some try to be remember by what they have, others by what they give. 

But in all, we never really become someone until we die. In the end, that is who we are remembered by. It doesn't matter that you were the most popular girl or the nicest guy in high school. If your the mean old man or the cute little grandma who bakes cookies for her granddaughters softball team, that is how others are going to remember you. 

Still the events in our life is what make us those people....the PEOPLE in our life make us those people. If your surrounded by negativity your entire life, you will more than likely become a negative person yourself; if you surround yourself with those who keep you positive, even during the darkest times, you will most likely become the person that others want around them in those times as well. Obviously you've got the point, so to the topic at hand.

When I was fifteen. I guess I'll start in January, when I came back to my mothers. The first few weeks home, I met my best friend Barbie, got back in touch with many friends from Elementary School, and met HIM. 

January 9 2006 I met Corey for the first time at lunch with Barbie. We talked and laughed, became instant friends, and by January 14th he was my boyfriend. It began as a typical teenage relationship obviously. 

We were in love, adults didn't believe us, we were young so they assumed we didn't know what love was, but even teenagers can fall in love. His words the very last day of our relationship still ring in my ears. We had gone to our spot by the river, I knew that things were over and he knew I was upset. Like a typical young love relationship we had our on and off again moments, and at that point I think we were both tired of it. I assumed he would give me another excuse why we had to break up when he looked at me so sincerely and said "Look, I cant make you happy for the rest of your life, and that's what you deserve. You don't deserve to be a widow at 20, you don't deserve to never have children, you deserve to be happy...and I cant give you that. You have big dreams and goals, and I cant take those away from you." The thoughts running through my mind were running along the lines of I could care less I cant be happy without you, but when I tried to say something he wouldn't let me. He hugged me and started walking away. I followed him of course...I would have followed him everywhere, when he got to his car he looked back at me and said "Be happy Crys, be happy and move on, for me." And he left. 

In the beginning it was impossible to be normal around him, I knew what he said, I knew he meant it. But in my silly teenage mind, I kept telling myself it was because I wasn't good enough for him. I tried changing everything about me in every way, for a while I forgot who the real me was, nothing brought him back. Eventually it became easier to pretend I was OK, and at that point he let himself get close to me as a friend. I'd finally accepted the fact that this was what it would be, he would always be my best friend, and I had to settle with that. 

He taught me more than anyone else has about appreciating life. If it weren't for him, I would have been a very different person. 

My point in this story are the song lyrics I posted above. I was fifteen, I was at that impressionable age where everything was always much bigger than it seemed. Back then, with him, I had dreams of being a mom, having a family, going to college and becoming a doctor, and I wanted to give all of them up to have as much time as humanly possible with him. He knew that wasn't the right thing to do and he made the decision I could never make.

A part of me still wonders what if things had been different. Sometimes I ask what if he hadn't been sick. There has been times I've gotten angry with god for not giving us a cure for CF, but I know it isn't God's fault. And I often wonder what would have happened if he never made that decision that day. I think part of the reason if because I never had the chance to tell him anything, even goodbye, before he died. 

In 21 days it will be five years since I met the man that changed my whole life, and I sit here today truly appreciating the fact that I had the pleasure of meeting him, and appreciating he made the decision that helped me make my dreams come true.

Will I always love him, of course. But he knew what was best for me when I did not, and for that I will be eternally indebted to him.

To you teenagers out there, I know this seems like all there is. That the good times are the best ever, and the bad times are the worst. But remember you have many years ahead of you. You are going to make mistakes, your going to get in trouble, and you will have regrets. Your going to fall in love and your going to get your heart broken. But your always going to have that one person in your life, who loves you more than you realize, and even if you don't see it now, they will influence you to be the person you will eventually become.

To those of you who think this is it, that the path your on will never change, that you have already become the person that you will always be. Remember what I said, you are always becoming, you will only become the person you are when there is no longer room for change. If you aren't happy with the path you are taking, take a chance and change it.

And to those of you who are in the same place as I am, the time when you realize the people you thought were wrong are really right, the people you thought knew nothing really knew everything, and the people you thought would eventually disappear are actually the people you will never forget, well then you know exactly what it is to really appreciate all you have been given. You know to be grateful for the hurt, thankful for the decisions, and appreciative of tomorrow.

I step off my soapbox for the day and wish everyone a wonderful holiday and remind you to use your days wisely, show those around you what they mean to you, and most important, take the time to learn to respect yourself. You will never truly love and respect another until you cant truly love and respect yourself.

Always,

Crystal

Turkeys, Friends, Messes, and Crazy Shoppers.

So this Thanksgiving was the first time I've actually been the one cooking...this Thanksgiving was also the first time I've cooked a turkey period.

People say if you can bake you can't cook and vice versa. I typically find my cooking fantastic, so obviously I disagreed with this statement...until yesterday.

First of all, I didn't even start cooking until 11:30. I had an order to fill the day prior and every pot and pan I owned was dirty. Me being too lazy to wash dishes by hand decided to wait for the dishwasher. I, of course, underestimated how long everything would need to cook. So while the dishwasher was running, Chloe found my camera and of course wanted me to take pictures. My little camera ham.

So after thirty minutes of silly faces and picture taking, she finally got bored with me and went to watch Barbie on TV.

I started baking the pies first, I figured if I got them out of the way it would be much faster to do everything else. My entire Thanksgiving menu consisted of: Turkey, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, Sweet Potatoes, Green Beans, Brussel Sprouts, Cranberry Sauce, Stuffing, Apple Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Chocolate Cream Pie, and Cherry Cheesecake.

I finished the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, brussel sprouts, stuffing, apple pie, and pumpkin pie. Like I said, I underestimated just how long that stupid turkey would make.

And of course because Ive never made a turkey, I needed a recipe. I chose to use Alton Brown's Good Eats turkey recipe. Which would have been fantastic had I not missed one rather important step....make sure the turkey was as close to the bottom as possible. Anyone who's used this recipe knows that you have to cook the turkey on 500 for the first 30 minutes. So here is my poor turkey, sitting so close to the top of my oven its practically touching the top, getting nice and crispy for 30 minutes. When I pulled it out, what was supposed to be beautifully crispy golden brown skin was so dark it was almost black. That's when I look back at the recipe and realize it said to put it on the bottom. Oops.

Thankfully that was my only mishap, except for the fact that I only finished half the menu and we ate an hour later than planned. I think it was pretty fortunate I didn't finish everything on the menu though...I have more leftovers than I know what to do with.

This was the first year Chloe really got to experience thanksgiving though. She hates turkey apparently, but she has this weird habit of mixing cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes together. I personally think its gross, but she seemed to enjoy it. Her pants are permanently this purplish red color though...guess its time to get rid of those. I also believe our bathtub has a faint ring around it in the exact same shade...maybe I should just paint the whole bathtub that color, it may be easier than cleaning it.

She enjoyed herself though, which is what I had hoped for.

I was ALMOST daring enough to go out shopping last night...I decided against it. Smart move probably. But we did go shopping this morning, at 10am Target was STILL packed. On the plus side they had one more of the T-Fal 20pc cooking sets and it is now mine YAY! My whole purpose for going shopping was fulfilled. We also bought new silverware, new pants for chloe....and yeah thats about it.

I never thought I would be so excited about new cookware and flatware!

Anyway after trying to fight the crowd we decided we were NOT going anywhere else and did our own thing for the rest of the day.

So the holidays are over for another few weeks, back to normal life I go. Let the fun begin!